Life Changes

As a child, I was always ashamed of who I was. As a a deaf kid. I always felt self conscious when I signed (sign language) because I’ve seen people staring at me.

Now? As an adult, I have grown so much in learning about myself. I never had any self esteem or belief in myself. You may be wondering how. Let me tell you!

When I was just twelve years old, I decided to stop signing because I had zero self esteem in my individuality as a girl or as a deaf person. After that, I started talking anytime and anywhere. I knew I would always be deaf, but I would often times find myself wishing I was not. When I met my children’s father, boy, he knew how to use my self-conscious of my identification as a deaf woman. I didn’t realize that there was anything better. One night, just before our 8th year anniversary, I decide to break up with him. That night woke me up. I decided to try my hand on raising my little boy by myself. I was TERRIFIED of raising Harley all by myself, but I knew I had to try with him. As the days turned into weeks into months into years, I am now realizing something TODAY. Yes, today! It has been ten years since that night. As I drove down the road, I found myself thinking about how far I have come since November of 1997.

I am now a proud deaf woman living in a hearing world. I have started to use sign language in 2015. I am loving it! I have found more deaf friends and I absolutely love it with every fiber of my being. Why? Because I can now communicate smoothly without any confusion with my deaf friends. I love it! The ASL (American Sign Language) is a beautiful language.

I’ve learned that just because I am a deaf person does not mean I can not do anything. I can be a single mother. I can be a single woman. I can work in a factory with hearing people and have a normal life. I have learned so much in the last ten years. Do I regret anything? Sure! I just can’t sit around and whine about it. I battle depression and anxiety. Do I let it drag me down? Hell no. I try to rise above it. Why? Simple answer. KIDS. My children are the reason I rise above and fight against my depression/anxiety. I know there will be someone out there for me and Harley. However, I will NOT settle and will not worry about it. When it happens, it happens. If it does not, then okay, it does not. God has a plan for me.

Don’t let anyone (society) tell you that you have to do this or that when you don’t want to. It is your life. YOURS. That is what I have learned. My life is MINE. Nobody’s, but mine. I am at the point where I am like, okay, let it happen and see what happens.

Much love from me! Have a wonderful day! Until then!

Advertisements

Life

Last night, I was chilling with my friends.  Just chatting, drinking, having fun and hanging out.  My right eye has been bothering me all day yesterday.  Literally felt like it was burning and swollen.  Anyways, moving on.

To be honest, my emotion has been all over the place last night.  I have been repressing some feelings and stress.  Boy, I really hate it when I have a breakdown in front of people, especially my friends.  It’s just my belief that I have to be strong and that I should not show any weakness in front anyone.  Even in front of my friends who I know cares about me.  Anyways, everything just got to the point where I got upset and walked off.  I started crying.  I started feeling like shit.  Seriously.

I am currently looking for a job, trying to pay off the defaulted loans so I can go back to college, taking care of my son, paying my bills and just everything.  I guess I felt like a crappy mother and a crappy friend.

I know I wrote a blog about parents and suicide and I would never do it.  I do often feel like giving up, but I would never because of my children.  I can’t give up.  I refuse to give up.  I just don’t feel like this feeling of weakness or that I am not doing enough.  I try to provide my son with everything he could possibly need, but sometimes I feel like I can’t do enough.  I tell myself, “Noni, he has a place to live.  He has food on the table when he is hungry.  He is one healthy happy boy.  He knows I love him.”  That is the main thing I want out of my life that I want my children to know I love them and that I am trying my best.

One of my friend asked me last night, “What can I do to help you with money?  To help you relieve some stress.”  I remember thinking, this is why I don’t like venting about my problems or crying in front of people.  I don’t want them to feel responsible.  It is my responsiblity because it’s my family, my issues, my life.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to give me money or help me out.  I know they really care and worry about me.  I never ask for help.  It’s my job as a mother to provide.  Not anyone else’s job.  If it was my boyfriend/husband, it would be a different issue, I think.

Anyone ever feel like that?  What do you think?  Was I in the wrong to feel this way?

What matters more?

I just have this need to express something here. We all know something about Black Lives Matter (BLM). Hey, I understand their view. However, what I do not understand is how is it Black Lives Matter matters more than, say, whites, Mexicans, Native Americans, French, etc.

What am I trying to say? Okay, here is what I am trying to say.

I think that we, all of us, MATTER! Whether it be we are white, blacks, or any other skin colors. Whether it be that we are cops, lawyers, mothers, fathers, janitors, or any jobs. Whether it be that we are rich or poor. All it matters is that we all have skeletons and we have blood running through our veins. If you took the moment to look at the photos underneath our skin color and our layers of skins, we ALL have same build of skeletons and same heart pumping blood through veins.

Come on! We need to move past this whole propaganda of BLM and get along! There are black cops killing citizens, whether it be accident or on purpose, but you don’t see us making a movement on WLM (White Lives Matter).
Can we please, for the love of God, move on and start looking at the same common goal which is to love one other and to get along? We live in a beautiful country with strong diversity! That is what I love about United States is our diversity!

Thank you for taking the time to listen! Have a wonderful day!

Have a wonderful 4th of July!!!

1044026_10151440563132396_2076221317_n

I am wishing everyone a very happy and safe 4th of July! I am proud of our servicemen/servicewomen who have served our country to keep our country ringing in the word of Freedom! I hope everyone is having fun barbecuing, spending time with family and friends, and I know there would be some who would be drinking. All I ask from you all who are drinking on this night of Independence Day to be responsible, have a designated driver and don’t drive drunk! I hope everyone who are out celebrating would take a few moments to give thanks to those who have kept our country free and those who have fought for our country. They deserve our thanks!
With that said: I will say: Have a happy 4th of July!!!!

Learning….

I am so proud of my little boy! He is soaking up new words and so quick to remember how to spell a word after seeing a commercial. He would spell it out to me and ask me what it means. Its also kind of sad for me because it also means he is now moving into learning phase and not need me as babies do. Do you know what I mean? I used to hold him, cuddle with him and just be needed by him. Now that he is turning 7, he is not needing me so much. He can feed himself, make his own snacks, and learning new things. Its amazing how time flies!!! It seems like he was born just a week ago only to see that it has been 7 years! Where is the time going?! I sure miss having a baby in my arms and my son does let me cuddle with him once in while. Like he would watch tv with his mama, but other than that…. awwww….. Hope you all treasure your precious moments with your babies!!! 🙂