Last night, I was chilling with my friends. Just chatting, drinking, having fun and hanging out. My right eye has been bothering me all day yesterday. Literally felt like it was burning and swollen. Anyways, moving on.
To be honest, my emotion has been all over the place last night. I have been repressing some feelings and stress. Boy, I really hate it when I have a breakdown in front of people, especially my friends. It’s just my belief that I have to be strong and that I should not show any weakness in front anyone. Even in front of my friends who I know cares about me. Anyways, everything just got to the point where I got upset and walked off. I started crying. I started feeling like shit. Seriously.
I am currently looking for a job, trying to pay off the defaulted loans so I can go back to college, taking care of my son, paying my bills and just everything. I guess I felt like a crappy mother and a crappy friend.
I know I wrote a blog about parents and suicide and I would never do it. I do often feel like giving up, but I would never because of my children. I can’t give up. I refuse to give up. I just don’t feel like this feeling of weakness or that I am not doing enough. I try to provide my son with everything he could possibly need, but sometimes I feel like I can’t do enough. I tell myself, “Noni, he has a place to live. He has food on the table when he is hungry. He is one healthy happy boy. He knows I love him.” That is the main thing I want out of my life that I want my children to know I love them and that I am trying my best.
One of my friend asked me last night, “What can I do to help you with money? To help you relieve some stress.” I remember thinking, this is why I don’t like venting about my problems or crying in front of people. I don’t want them to feel responsible. It is my responsiblity because it’s my family, my issues, my life. I don’t want them to feel like they have to give me money or help me out. I know they really care and worry about me. I never ask for help. It’s my job as a mother to provide. Not anyone else’s job. If it was my boyfriend/husband, it would be a different issue, I think.
Anyone ever feel like that? What do you think? Was I in the wrong to feel this way?