Life Changes

As a child, I was always ashamed of who I was. As a a deaf kid. I always felt self conscious when I signed (sign language) because I’ve seen people staring at me.

Now? As an adult, I have grown so much in learning about myself. I never had any self esteem or belief in myself. You may be wondering how. Let me tell you!

When I was just twelve years old, I decided to stop signing because I had zero self esteem in my individuality as a girl or as a deaf person. After that, I started talking anytime and anywhere. I knew I would always be deaf, but I would often times find myself wishing I was not. When I met my children’s father, boy, he knew how to use my self-conscious of my identification as a deaf woman. I didn’t realize that there was anything better. One night, just before our 8th year anniversary, I decide to break up with him. That night woke me up. I decided to try my hand on raising my little boy by myself. I was TERRIFIED of raising Harley all by myself, but I knew I had to try with him. As the days turned into weeks into months into years, I am now realizing something TODAY. Yes, today! It has been ten years since that night. As I drove down the road, I found myself thinking about how far I have come since November of 1997.

I am now a proud deaf woman living in a hearing world. I have started to use sign language in 2015. I am loving it! I have found more deaf friends and I absolutely love it with every fiber of my being. Why? Because I can now communicate smoothly without any confusion with my deaf friends. I love it! The ASL (American Sign Language) is a beautiful language.

I’ve learned that just because I am a deaf person does not mean I can not do anything. I can be a single mother. I can be a single woman. I can work in a factory with hearing people and have a normal life. I have learned so much in the last ten years. Do I regret anything? Sure! I just can’t sit around and whine about it. I battle depression and anxiety. Do I let it drag me down? Hell no. I try to rise above it. Why? Simple answer. KIDS. My children are the reason I rise above and fight against my depression/anxiety. I know there will be someone out there for me and Harley. However, I will NOT settle and will not worry about it. When it happens, it happens. If it does not, then okay, it does not. God has a plan for me.

Don’t let anyone (society) tell you that you have to do this or that when you don’t want to. It is your life. YOURS. That is what I have learned. My life is MINE. Nobody’s, but mine. I am at the point where I am like, okay, let it happen and see what happens.

Much love from me! Have a wonderful day! Until then!

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Life

Last night, I was chilling with my friends.  Just chatting, drinking, having fun and hanging out.  My right eye has been bothering me all day yesterday.  Literally felt like it was burning and swollen.  Anyways, moving on.

To be honest, my emotion has been all over the place last night.  I have been repressing some feelings and stress.  Boy, I really hate it when I have a breakdown in front of people, especially my friends.  It’s just my belief that I have to be strong and that I should not show any weakness in front anyone.  Even in front of my friends who I know cares about me.  Anyways, everything just got to the point where I got upset and walked off.  I started crying.  I started feeling like shit.  Seriously.

I am currently looking for a job, trying to pay off the defaulted loans so I can go back to college, taking care of my son, paying my bills and just everything.  I guess I felt like a crappy mother and a crappy friend.

I know I wrote a blog about parents and suicide and I would never do it.  I do often feel like giving up, but I would never because of my children.  I can’t give up.  I refuse to give up.  I just don’t feel like this feeling of weakness or that I am not doing enough.  I try to provide my son with everything he could possibly need, but sometimes I feel like I can’t do enough.  I tell myself, “Noni, he has a place to live.  He has food on the table when he is hungry.  He is one healthy happy boy.  He knows I love him.”  That is the main thing I want out of my life that I want my children to know I love them and that I am trying my best.

One of my friend asked me last night, “What can I do to help you with money?  To help you relieve some stress.”  I remember thinking, this is why I don’t like venting about my problems or crying in front of people.  I don’t want them to feel responsible.  It is my responsiblity because it’s my family, my issues, my life.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to give me money or help me out.  I know they really care and worry about me.  I never ask for help.  It’s my job as a mother to provide.  Not anyone else’s job.  If it was my boyfriend/husband, it would be a different issue, I think.

Anyone ever feel like that?  What do you think?  Was I in the wrong to feel this way?