Life

Last night, I was chilling with my friends.  Just chatting, drinking, having fun and hanging out.  My right eye has been bothering me all day yesterday.  Literally felt like it was burning and swollen.  Anyways, moving on.

To be honest, my emotion has been all over the place last night.  I have been repressing some feelings and stress.  Boy, I really hate it when I have a breakdown in front of people, especially my friends.  It’s just my belief that I have to be strong and that I should not show any weakness in front anyone.  Even in front of my friends who I know cares about me.  Anyways, everything just got to the point where I got upset and walked off.  I started crying.  I started feeling like shit.  Seriously.

I am currently looking for a job, trying to pay off the defaulted loans so I can go back to college, taking care of my son, paying my bills and just everything.  I guess I felt like a crappy mother and a crappy friend.

I know I wrote a blog about parents and suicide and I would never do it.  I do often feel like giving up, but I would never because of my children.  I can’t give up.  I refuse to give up.  I just don’t feel like this feeling of weakness or that I am not doing enough.  I try to provide my son with everything he could possibly need, but sometimes I feel like I can’t do enough.  I tell myself, “Noni, he has a place to live.  He has food on the table when he is hungry.  He is one healthy happy boy.  He knows I love him.”  That is the main thing I want out of my life that I want my children to know I love them and that I am trying my best.

One of my friend asked me last night, “What can I do to help you with money?  To help you relieve some stress.”  I remember thinking, this is why I don’t like venting about my problems or crying in front of people.  I don’t want them to feel responsible.  It is my responsiblity because it’s my family, my issues, my life.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to give me money or help me out.  I know they really care and worry about me.  I never ask for help.  It’s my job as a mother to provide.  Not anyone else’s job.  If it was my boyfriend/husband, it would be a different issue, I think.

Anyone ever feel like that?  What do you think?  Was I in the wrong to feel this way?

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Suicide: Is it selfish?

I am certain I will make people angry with this subject. It is, however, just my opinion. How I feel about this. You have your own opinion, which I would respect, just as I would hope you would respect mine.

When I was younger, I have thought about suicide all the time. I always felt out of step with my family. Why? Well, it’s simple really. I’m deaf and my family isn’t. I never felt like I was in sync with anyone. Whenever I see someone laughing or crying or even angry, I would ask what is wrong. They would tell me it’s nothing or not important. Always made me felt like I wasn’t included. I am sure they never meant to make me feel this way, but it’s there. I’m a mom and my children aren’t deaf. I love being a mom, but I always tried my best to include them in anything even when I am in the presence of deaf people. There are times where my son would ask me what is going on, I would explain to him or use my voice while signing so he doesn’t feel like he’s left out.
Do I still have suicide thoughts? Hmm, no, not all. Not since I became a mother. Why? I can’t imagine doing it and then leaving my children with no mother in their lives. That is selfish in my opinion. How can you leave your children behind? Children are the best gifts we can ask for. Yes, they can drive us nuts! They also love us unconditionally. How can we abandon them in suicide? If anything, I bet you that if a parent did suicide, their child would feel abandoned and feel that their parent didn’t love them enough. Suicide is such a taboo subject! How can we prevent suicide? How can we cure depression? How can we help those who are depressed? How can we help those who suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder)? How can we help those who have mental health issues? LOVE, PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING…. just to start with. I know we all feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. We all are worthy of someone. It could be your lover, spouse, relative, best friend, but our children always loves us for who we are.
We are loved, wanted and worthy to our children. ALWAYS. They ask nothing in return but our love and our fight for our struggle. Whenever I begin to feel like I am unworthy or unwanted or even, unloved, all I have to do is look at my children or their pictures (if they aren’t home), they bring a smile to my face and I say to myself, “You have a reason to be alive.” Yup, they are the reason why I am alive. I struggle every single day, but I would rather struggle than abandon them. I understand that some people truly feel like they can’t get out of the ‘water’ and take the easiest way out. That is all your choices and opinions. For myself, I made the choice to struggle and fight every single day than give in to the suicide. FOR MY CHILDREN. My love for them trumps that every day.

Thank you for reading this and taking the time to read it. Much love and peace to everyone!

Employment and Relationships

So, I started my job as a Housekeeper at a Hotel…. It has been over a year and half since I worked. It is sooo nice to be working again. It may not be Dietary Aide, but at least it is a job I am working. 🙂 It is not so bad. Just basically cleaning rooms and stripping beds. Simple enough right? Only there is certain ways of doing these rooms. 🙂 At least with me working, I will be earning some money where I can buy things. Oh, yeah!! Can not wait.
Relationships: OMG, I am having hard time having a relationship with any guy! Seriously, I feel like I have leper or something. Not funny. It’s been too long, but I, at times, don’t mind being single, yet don’t want to be single! Am I ever going to find some love? Or a guy that would accept me for who I am? Support my dreams? Hmm, I wonder! Isn’t there anyone out there? I liked a guy, but didn’t work out. Is there even any chance?? I have no clue whatsover.

Harley’s Birthday Party…..

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Hey all! Here is the update on Harley’s birthday party…. 🙂
Wow! Playstation is one cool place to be for children! Harley was rarely seen, playing hard and enjoyed every single minute of it. My best friend,Stephanie, and her fiance, Frank, were so awesome! They gave all of their tickets to Harley instead of for themselves. How sweet is that?! I am lucky to have one awesome best friend! 🙂 Harley loves her. My mom, Bill, my children, Stephanie, Frank and their kids had good time! There was pizza, which was good, cake time, present time and play time! Children were sweating alot and I just know they will sleep good tonight. I just am grateful that Harley had a good time!!!
Love you my sweet baby boy….
Thank you for listening to my ramblings about my son’s birthday party.
~Noni~

Writing…. Birthday Party

As I am patiently waiting for the time to go to my son’s birthday party, I am working some more on my writing. I think I am nearly halfway to being done. Of course, I would need to find someone to edit and proofread for me. However, I am excited that I am nearly done! I have worked hard on this and so far, I have had no writer’s block with 3 of my books. Only one book is half way done and other 2 isn’t nearly done… lots of work to do.
I had thought about using a pen name for my romance books, but I decided why? Why should I? If people don’t like what I have written or thinks it’s too sexual or whatever, then that is their opinion. Right? Shoot, Lori Foster, E L James and few others have written erotic romance books and pushed the limit. So why shouldn’t I?
This afternoon we will be celebrating my son’s birthday which was on Wednesday with family and friends. I hope he has fun! Hard to believe that he is 7 years old! He had asked me why we weren’t celebrating his birthday on Wednesday and I told him it was because it was a school night. So he is excited to have fun today. It is a pretty day out. In it’s 64 degrees with sun and slight breeze…. oh, yeah, it is totally Spring! I could not take any more of the cold! I will let you know how the party went later! 🙂
Have a wonderful, blessed weekend!!
~Noni~

Easter!!

easter basket

Hello everyone! First off, I would like to wish everyone a Happy Easter! 🙂
My son and I went to this school’s Easter with my best friend and her family. We had good time. Our children played some games, did some crafts and hunted some Easter eggs. Before we left the school, my son won his own Easter basket! He was so excited because he won something. 🙂 I love seeing excited faces, especially my own child’s!
I hope Harley will be happy with what Easter Bunny got him for Easter tomorrow. We will be heading back home tomorrow since Spring Break will be just about over. We had a good week at my best friend’s for our small vacation.
Stay warm, drive safe and have a wonderful weekend!!
~Noni~