Life

Last night, I was chilling with my friends.  Just chatting, drinking, having fun and hanging out.  My right eye has been bothering me all day yesterday.  Literally felt like it was burning and swollen.  Anyways, moving on.

To be honest, my emotion has been all over the place last night.  I have been repressing some feelings and stress.  Boy, I really hate it when I have a breakdown in front of people, especially my friends.  It’s just my belief that I have to be strong and that I should not show any weakness in front anyone.  Even in front of my friends who I know cares about me.  Anyways, everything just got to the point where I got upset and walked off.  I started crying.  I started feeling like shit.  Seriously.

I am currently looking for a job, trying to pay off the defaulted loans so I can go back to college, taking care of my son, paying my bills and just everything.  I guess I felt like a crappy mother and a crappy friend.

I know I wrote a blog about parents and suicide and I would never do it.  I do often feel like giving up, but I would never because of my children.  I can’t give up.  I refuse to give up.  I just don’t feel like this feeling of weakness or that I am not doing enough.  I try to provide my son with everything he could possibly need, but sometimes I feel like I can’t do enough.  I tell myself, “Noni, he has a place to live.  He has food on the table when he is hungry.  He is one healthy happy boy.  He knows I love him.”  That is the main thing I want out of my life that I want my children to know I love them and that I am trying my best.

One of my friend asked me last night, “What can I do to help you with money?  To help you relieve some stress.”  I remember thinking, this is why I don’t like venting about my problems or crying in front of people.  I don’t want them to feel responsible.  It is my responsiblity because it’s my family, my issues, my life.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to give me money or help me out.  I know they really care and worry about me.  I never ask for help.  It’s my job as a mother to provide.  Not anyone else’s job.  If it was my boyfriend/husband, it would be a different issue, I think.

Anyone ever feel like that?  What do you think?  Was I in the wrong to feel this way?

Suicide: Is it selfish?

I am certain I will make people angry with this subject. It is, however, just my opinion. How I feel about this. You have your own opinion, which I would respect, just as I would hope you would respect mine.

When I was younger, I have thought about suicide all the time. I always felt out of step with my family. Why? Well, it’s simple really. I’m deaf and my family isn’t. I never felt like I was in sync with anyone. Whenever I see someone laughing or crying or even angry, I would ask what is wrong. They would tell me it’s nothing or not important. Always made me felt like I wasn’t included. I am sure they never meant to make me feel this way, but it’s there. I’m a mom and my children aren’t deaf. I love being a mom, but I always tried my best to include them in anything even when I am in the presence of deaf people. There are times where my son would ask me what is going on, I would explain to him or use my voice while signing so he doesn’t feel like he’s left out.
Do I still have suicide thoughts? Hmm, no, not all. Not since I became a mother. Why? I can’t imagine doing it and then leaving my children with no mother in their lives. That is selfish in my opinion. How can you leave your children behind? Children are the best gifts we can ask for. Yes, they can drive us nuts! They also love us unconditionally. How can we abandon them in suicide? If anything, I bet you that if a parent did suicide, their child would feel abandoned and feel that their parent didn’t love them enough. Suicide is such a taboo subject! How can we prevent suicide? How can we cure depression? How can we help those who are depressed? How can we help those who suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder)? How can we help those who have mental health issues? LOVE, PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING…. just to start with. I know we all feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. We all are worthy of someone. It could be your lover, spouse, relative, best friend, but our children always loves us for who we are.
We are loved, wanted and worthy to our children. ALWAYS. They ask nothing in return but our love and our fight for our struggle. Whenever I begin to feel like I am unworthy or unwanted or even, unloved, all I have to do is look at my children or their pictures (if they aren’t home), they bring a smile to my face and I say to myself, “You have a reason to be alive.” Yup, they are the reason why I am alive. I struggle every single day, but I would rather struggle than abandon them. I understand that some people truly feel like they can’t get out of the ‘water’ and take the easiest way out. That is all your choices and opinions. For myself, I made the choice to struggle and fight every single day than give in to the suicide. FOR MY CHILDREN. My love for them trumps that every day.

Thank you for reading this and taking the time to read it. Much love and peace to everyone!