Suicide: Is it selfish?

I am certain I will make people angry with this subject. It is, however, just my opinion. How I feel about this. You have your own opinion, which I would respect, just as I would hope you would respect mine.

When I was younger, I have thought about suicide all the time. I always felt out of step with my family. Why? Well, it’s simple really. I’m deaf and my family isn’t. I never felt like I was in sync with anyone. Whenever I see someone laughing or crying or even angry, I would ask what is wrong. They would tell me it’s nothing or not important. Always made me felt like I wasn’t included. I am sure they never meant to make me feel this way, but it’s there. I’m a mom and my children aren’t deaf. I love being a mom, but I always tried my best to include them in anything even when I am in the presence of deaf people. There are times where my son would ask me what is going on, I would explain to him or use my voice while signing so he doesn’t feel like he’s left out.
Do I still have suicide thoughts? Hmm, no, not all. Not since I became a mother. Why? I can’t imagine doing it and then leaving my children with no mother in their lives. That is selfish in my opinion. How can you leave your children behind? Children are the best gifts we can ask for. Yes, they can drive us nuts! They also love us unconditionally. How can we abandon them in suicide? If anything, I bet you that if a parent did suicide, their child would feel abandoned and feel that their parent didn’t love them enough. Suicide is such a taboo subject! How can we prevent suicide? How can we cure depression? How can we help those who are depressed? How can we help those who suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder)? How can we help those who have mental health issues? LOVE, PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING…. just to start with. I know we all feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. We all are worthy of someone. It could be your lover, spouse, relative, best friend, but our children always loves us for who we are.
We are loved, wanted and worthy to our children. ALWAYS. They ask nothing in return but our love and our fight for our struggle. Whenever I begin to feel like I am unworthy or unwanted or even, unloved, all I have to do is look at my children or their pictures (if they aren’t home), they bring a smile to my face and I say to myself, “You have a reason to be alive.” Yup, they are the reason why I am alive. I struggle every single day, but I would rather struggle than abandon them. I understand that some people truly feel like they can’t get out of the ‘water’ and take the easiest way out. That is all your choices and opinions. For myself, I made the choice to struggle and fight every single day than give in to the suicide. FOR MY CHILDREN. My love for them trumps that every day.

Thank you for reading this and taking the time to read it. Much love and peace to everyone!

Harley’s Birthday Party…..

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Hey all! Here is the update on Harley’s birthday party…. 🙂
Wow! Playstation is one cool place to be for children! Harley was rarely seen, playing hard and enjoyed every single minute of it. My best friend,Stephanie, and her fiance, Frank, were so awesome! They gave all of their tickets to Harley instead of for themselves. How sweet is that?! I am lucky to have one awesome best friend! 🙂 Harley loves her. My mom, Bill, my children, Stephanie, Frank and their kids had good time! There was pizza, which was good, cake time, present time and play time! Children were sweating alot and I just know they will sleep good tonight. I just am grateful that Harley had a good time!!!
Love you my sweet baby boy….
Thank you for listening to my ramblings about my son’s birthday party.
~Noni~

Writing…. Birthday Party

As I am patiently waiting for the time to go to my son’s birthday party, I am working some more on my writing. I think I am nearly halfway to being done. Of course, I would need to find someone to edit and proofread for me. However, I am excited that I am nearly done! I have worked hard on this and so far, I have had no writer’s block with 3 of my books. Only one book is half way done and other 2 isn’t nearly done… lots of work to do.
I had thought about using a pen name for my romance books, but I decided why? Why should I? If people don’t like what I have written or thinks it’s too sexual or whatever, then that is their opinion. Right? Shoot, Lori Foster, E L James and few others have written erotic romance books and pushed the limit. So why shouldn’t I?
This afternoon we will be celebrating my son’s birthday which was on Wednesday with family and friends. I hope he has fun! Hard to believe that he is 7 years old! He had asked me why we weren’t celebrating his birthday on Wednesday and I told him it was because it was a school night. So he is excited to have fun today. It is a pretty day out. In it’s 64 degrees with sun and slight breeze…. oh, yeah, it is totally Spring! I could not take any more of the cold! I will let you know how the party went later! 🙂
Have a wonderful, blessed weekend!!
~Noni~

Easter!!

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Hello everyone! First off, I would like to wish everyone a Happy Easter! 🙂
My son and I went to this school’s Easter with my best friend and her family. We had good time. Our children played some games, did some crafts and hunted some Easter eggs. Before we left the school, my son won his own Easter basket! He was so excited because he won something. 🙂 I love seeing excited faces, especially my own child’s!
I hope Harley will be happy with what Easter Bunny got him for Easter tomorrow. We will be heading back home tomorrow since Spring Break will be just about over. We had a good week at my best friend’s for our small vacation.
Stay warm, drive safe and have a wonderful weekend!!
~Noni~

Learning….

I am so proud of my little boy! He is soaking up new words and so quick to remember how to spell a word after seeing a commercial. He would spell it out to me and ask me what it means. Its also kind of sad for me because it also means he is now moving into learning phase and not need me as babies do. Do you know what I mean? I used to hold him, cuddle with him and just be needed by him. Now that he is turning 7, he is not needing me so much. He can feed himself, make his own snacks, and learning new things. Its amazing how time flies!!! It seems like he was born just a week ago only to see that it has been 7 years! Where is the time going?! I sure miss having a baby in my arms and my son does let me cuddle with him once in while. Like he would watch tv with his mama, but other than that…. awwww….. Hope you all treasure your precious moments with your babies!!! 🙂

PARENTING

Well, we all know what it’s like to be a parent. Whether we are a mother or a father. Some of us struggle a bit because we are a single parent. Some of us do parenthood so well because we have a supporting spouse. Well, I am a single mother who is trying her damnest best to be a good mother. My son is 6 years old. It is a constant struggle being a mother AND a father to my son. I have several friends and some family members who try to help me out, but no one can understand my struggles of being a single mother to a son who is constantly trying to upstage me. Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mom! It’s just not easy because my son is often trying to find some ‘blind’ spot with me. What do I mean by blind spot? I am deaf. I can lip read and speak well. He knows I can not hear so he tries to ‘sneak’ around by lying or do things he shouldn’t be doing. I have caught him in the act more often than not! He always says ‘How did you know?” and my response is always this ‘I am your mother and I know what you are up to.’ Cliche I am sure, but there are times when something tells me that he is doing something he shouldn’t be doing. I am curious…. how do you deal with being a single parent? (whether you are hearing or deaf) I just take a day at a time.

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend!!!!! 🙂