Life Changes

As a child, I was always ashamed of who I was. As a a deaf kid. I always felt self conscious when I signed (sign language) because I’ve seen people staring at me.

Now? As an adult, I have grown so much in learning about myself. I never had any self esteem or belief in myself. You may be wondering how. Let me tell you!

When I was just twelve years old, I decided to stop signing because I had zero self esteem in my individuality as a girl or as a deaf person. After that, I started talking anytime and anywhere. I knew I would always be deaf, but I would often times find myself wishing I was not. When I met my children’s father, boy, he knew how to use my self-conscious of my identification as a deaf woman. I didn’t realize that there was anything better. One night, just before our 8th year anniversary, I decide to break up with him. That night woke me up. I decided to try my hand on raising my little boy by myself. I was TERRIFIED of raising Harley all by myself, but I knew I had to try with him. As the days turned into weeks into months into years, I am now realizing something TODAY. Yes, today! It has been ten years since that night. As I drove down the road, I found myself thinking about how far I have come since November of 1997.

I am now a proud deaf woman living in a hearing world. I have started to use sign language in 2015. I am loving it! I have found more deaf friends and I absolutely love it with every fiber of my being. Why? Because I can now communicate smoothly without any confusion with my deaf friends. I love it! The ASL (American Sign Language) is a beautiful language.

I’ve learned that just because I am a deaf person does not mean I can not do anything. I can be a single mother. I can be a single woman. I can work in a factory with hearing people and have a normal life. I have learned so much in the last ten years. Do I regret anything? Sure! I just can’t sit around and whine about it. I battle depression and anxiety. Do I let it drag me down? Hell no. I try to rise above it. Why? Simple answer. KIDS. My children are the reason I rise above and fight against my depression/anxiety. I know there will be someone out there for me and Harley. However, I will NOT settle and will not worry about it. When it happens, it happens. If it does not, then okay, it does not. God has a plan for me.

Don’t let anyone (society) tell you that you have to do this or that when you don’t want to. It is your life. YOURS. That is what I have learned. My life is MINE. Nobody’s, but mine. I am at the point where I am like, okay, let it happen and see what happens.

Much love from me! Have a wonderful day! Until then!

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Letter to Grandma

Hello! It’s been awhile since I have written a blog and I apologize. I’ve been busy!

This blog is basically a letter to my grandma who is currently losing her battle to cancer. I know she won’t read this, but I just want to get this off of my chest.

Dear Grandma,
I know that we don’t have the best relationship and that I wasn’t easy for anyone to know. I do have good memories of you. I do remember you playing games with us on holidays and just mingling with us Whitmore clans. This past week, I have thought about you and about you struggling with your battle. I know you are ready to go and be with Grandpa. I totally understand that. I know Grandpa will be waiting for you with his arms wide open.
I hope you do know just how much I love you. I know it may seem like I don’t, but I do. Very much. Even if we aren’t extremely close like you are with Dad, Aunt Mary or Amy. I guess part of it is my fault. For living 8 hours away. I’m just glad that I have memories to hold me.
I understand that it is not easy leaving your family members when you are losing battle, but when it is the time, then it is time. We all will grieve for you, just as we grieved for Grandpa, and continue on with our lives. We all have a spot in our brain and heart that will hold memories of our loved ones who passed away. You will be there forever until I die.
I guess what I am trying to say is this: I love you, Grandma.
Love Always,
Toni Ann

Generation nowadays 

As I type, I cannot help but wonder about our world.  Lately, I’ve begun to notice that the more people I randomly meet either on purpose or on accident are easily offended.  Well, sometimes they could be rude.  When that happens, I often find myself asking, “Where’s the respect?  Where’s the good manners?  Where’s the chivalry?”

I cannot help but feel sad for our future generations.  I grew up with respect, love, manners, and chivalry even.  Our future generations will not know what it was like growing up in 1980s or 1990s.  I always tell my son, “you will not be on Xbox 24/7 like some children I’ve met.”  He leads a good active life.  He plays sports and plays outside if the weather is nice.  I only allow few hours on Xbox.

I just wonder if people are aware on how children are even behaving these days??  Maybe it’s just me.  I’m curious if anyone has any issues with children out in public?

Life

Last night, I was chilling with my friends.  Just chatting, drinking, having fun and hanging out.  My right eye has been bothering me all day yesterday.  Literally felt like it was burning and swollen.  Anyways, moving on.

To be honest, my emotion has been all over the place last night.  I have been repressing some feelings and stress.  Boy, I really hate it when I have a breakdown in front of people, especially my friends.  It’s just my belief that I have to be strong and that I should not show any weakness in front anyone.  Even in front of my friends who I know cares about me.  Anyways, everything just got to the point where I got upset and walked off.  I started crying.  I started feeling like shit.  Seriously.

I am currently looking for a job, trying to pay off the defaulted loans so I can go back to college, taking care of my son, paying my bills and just everything.  I guess I felt like a crappy mother and a crappy friend.

I know I wrote a blog about parents and suicide and I would never do it.  I do often feel like giving up, but I would never because of my children.  I can’t give up.  I refuse to give up.  I just don’t feel like this feeling of weakness or that I am not doing enough.  I try to provide my son with everything he could possibly need, but sometimes I feel like I can’t do enough.  I tell myself, “Noni, he has a place to live.  He has food on the table when he is hungry.  He is one healthy happy boy.  He knows I love him.”  That is the main thing I want out of my life that I want my children to know I love them and that I am trying my best.

One of my friend asked me last night, “What can I do to help you with money?  To help you relieve some stress.”  I remember thinking, this is why I don’t like venting about my problems or crying in front of people.  I don’t want them to feel responsible.  It is my responsiblity because it’s my family, my issues, my life.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to give me money or help me out.  I know they really care and worry about me.  I never ask for help.  It’s my job as a mother to provide.  Not anyone else’s job.  If it was my boyfriend/husband, it would be a different issue, I think.

Anyone ever feel like that?  What do you think?  Was I in the wrong to feel this way?

Terminator Genysis

I seen the movie last night. I thought it was cool. I’ve seen all the Terminator movies. Only thing I am stumped on about this current movie is how it’s all set up. How do I explain?

Okay. We all know about John and Sarah Connor from all other movies. However, in this movie, we come to find out about Kyle Reese. What I am stumped on is this: Kyle Reese went into the past to save Sarah Connor, only to find out that he is Sarah’s lover and John’s father. HOW?! He is from the future, Sarah is from the past and yet, he is the father to John?! That is what I am truly stumped on! Can anyone help me out here? Please? I would like it if someone could clarify it up for me.

Much appreciated! Thank you! I do give it a about 4 stars rating though, even with that confusion.

Job Search

I am currently looking for a job. I knew it would be frustrating, but I never knew how some employment makes it hard to get a job!

For example, I applied at this place of agency and I had to take this computer quiz which asked few questions. I was honest about my answers. However, I had noticed that it did not exactly ask questions relating to the job I applied for. It was mainly asking if I had done drugs, do I drink, do I drink on the job, do I do drugs on the job, have I worked in a restaurant which I have not, but I have worked in the kitchen (kind of the same I think but I put down no), am I willing to take drug test, have I worked for construction, do I know how to do carpentry (thanks to my grampa, I do), do I own any specific tools, etc. I did notice that it asked more questions about drugs than anything else. Yet, at the end of the test, it said that I am disqualified. I remember thinking, what?! How is that helping people get jobs if they are not experienced? I love to learn new things, so I am willing to learn! I am curious… has anyone had any problems with agency?

I am continuing to look for jobs, because I am not giving up.

What matters more?

I just have this need to express something here. We all know something about Black Lives Matter (BLM). Hey, I understand their view. However, what I do not understand is how is it Black Lives Matter matters more than, say, whites, Mexicans, Native Americans, French, etc.

What am I trying to say? Okay, here is what I am trying to say.

I think that we, all of us, MATTER! Whether it be we are white, blacks, or any other skin colors. Whether it be that we are cops, lawyers, mothers, fathers, janitors, or any jobs. Whether it be that we are rich or poor. All it matters is that we all have skeletons and we have blood running through our veins. If you took the moment to look at the photos underneath our skin color and our layers of skins, we ALL have same build of skeletons and same heart pumping blood through veins.

Come on! We need to move past this whole propaganda of BLM and get along! There are black cops killing citizens, whether it be accident or on purpose, but you don’t see us making a movement on WLM (White Lives Matter).
Can we please, for the love of God, move on and start looking at the same common goal which is to love one other and to get along? We live in a beautiful country with strong diversity! That is what I love about United States is our diversity!

Thank you for taking the time to listen! Have a wonderful day!