Letter to Grandma

Hello! It’s been awhile since I have written a blog and I apologize. I’ve been busy!

This blog is basically a letter to my grandma who is currently losing her battle to cancer. I know she won’t read this, but I just want to get this off of my chest.

Dear Grandma,
I know that we don’t have the best relationship and that I wasn’t easy for anyone to know. I do have good memories of you. I do remember you playing games with us on holidays and just mingling with us Whitmore clans. This past week, I have thought about you and about you struggling with your battle. I know you are ready to go and be with Grandpa. I totally understand that. I know Grandpa will be waiting for you with his arms wide open.
I hope you do know just how much I love you. I know it may seem like I don’t, but I do. Very much. Even if we aren’t extremely close like you are with Dad, Aunt Mary or Amy. I guess part of it is my fault. For living 8 hours away. I’m just glad that I have memories to hold me.
I understand that it is not easy leaving your family members when you are losing battle, but when it is the time, then it is time. We all will grieve for you, just as we grieved for Grandpa, and continue on with our lives. We all have a spot in our brain and heart that will hold memories of our loved ones who passed away. You will be there forever until I die.
I guess what I am trying to say is this: I love you, Grandma.
Love Always,
Toni Ann

Generation nowadays 

As I type, I cannot help but wonder about our world.  Lately, I’ve begun to notice that the more people I randomly meet either on purpose or on accident are easily offended.  Well, sometimes they could be rude.  When that happens, I often find myself asking, “Where’s the respect?  Where’s the good manners?  Where’s the chivalry?”

I cannot help but feel sad for our future generations.  I grew up with respect, love, manners, and chivalry even.  Our future generations will not know what it was like growing up in 1980s or 1990s.  I always tell my son, “you will not be on Xbox 24/7 like some children I’ve met.”  He leads a good active life.  He plays sports and plays outside if the weather is nice.  I only allow few hours on Xbox.

I just wonder if people are aware on how children are even behaving these days??  Maybe it’s just me.  I’m curious if anyone has any issues with children out in public?

Life

Last night, I was chilling with my friends.  Just chatting, drinking, having fun and hanging out.  My right eye has been bothering me all day yesterday.  Literally felt like it was burning and swollen.  Anyways, moving on.

To be honest, my emotion has been all over the place last night.  I have been repressing some feelings and stress.  Boy, I really hate it when I have a breakdown in front of people, especially my friends.  It’s just my belief that I have to be strong and that I should not show any weakness in front anyone.  Even in front of my friends who I know cares about me.  Anyways, everything just got to the point where I got upset and walked off.  I started crying.  I started feeling like shit.  Seriously.

I am currently looking for a job, trying to pay off the defaulted loans so I can go back to college, taking care of my son, paying my bills and just everything.  I guess I felt like a crappy mother and a crappy friend.

I know I wrote a blog about parents and suicide and I would never do it.  I do often feel like giving up, but I would never because of my children.  I can’t give up.  I refuse to give up.  I just don’t feel like this feeling of weakness or that I am not doing enough.  I try to provide my son with everything he could possibly need, but sometimes I feel like I can’t do enough.  I tell myself, “Noni, he has a place to live.  He has food on the table when he is hungry.  He is one healthy happy boy.  He knows I love him.”  That is the main thing I want out of my life that I want my children to know I love them and that I am trying my best.

One of my friend asked me last night, “What can I do to help you with money?  To help you relieve some stress.”  I remember thinking, this is why I don’t like venting about my problems or crying in front of people.  I don’t want them to feel responsible.  It is my responsiblity because it’s my family, my issues, my life.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to give me money or help me out.  I know they really care and worry about me.  I never ask for help.  It’s my job as a mother to provide.  Not anyone else’s job.  If it was my boyfriend/husband, it would be a different issue, I think.

Anyone ever feel like that?  What do you think?  Was I in the wrong to feel this way?

Terminator Genysis

I seen the movie last night. I thought it was cool. I’ve seen all the Terminator movies. Only thing I am stumped on about this current movie is how it’s all set up. How do I explain?

Okay. We all know about John and Sarah Connor from all other movies. However, in this movie, we come to find out about Kyle Reese. What I am stumped on is this: Kyle Reese went into the past to save Sarah Connor, only to find out that he is Sarah’s lover and John’s father. HOW?! He is from the future, Sarah is from the past and yet, he is the father to John?! That is what I am truly stumped on! Can anyone help me out here? Please? I would like it if someone could clarify it up for me.

Much appreciated! Thank you! I do give it a about 4 stars rating though, even with that confusion.

Job Search

I am currently looking for a job. I knew it would be frustrating, but I never knew how some employment makes it hard to get a job!

For example, I applied at this place of agency and I had to take this computer quiz which asked few questions. I was honest about my answers. However, I had noticed that it did not exactly ask questions relating to the job I applied for. It was mainly asking if I had done drugs, do I drink, do I drink on the job, do I do drugs on the job, have I worked in a restaurant which I have not, but I have worked in the kitchen (kind of the same I think but I put down no), am I willing to take drug test, have I worked for construction, do I know how to do carpentry (thanks to my grampa, I do), do I own any specific tools, etc. I did notice that it asked more questions about drugs than anything else. Yet, at the end of the test, it said that I am disqualified. I remember thinking, what?! How is that helping people get jobs if they are not experienced? I love to learn new things, so I am willing to learn! I am curious… has anyone had any problems with agency?

I am continuing to look for jobs, because I am not giving up.

What matters more?

I just have this need to express something here. We all know something about Black Lives Matter (BLM). Hey, I understand their view. However, what I do not understand is how is it Black Lives Matter matters more than, say, whites, Mexicans, Native Americans, French, etc.

What am I trying to say? Okay, here is what I am trying to say.

I think that we, all of us, MATTER! Whether it be we are white, blacks, or any other skin colors. Whether it be that we are cops, lawyers, mothers, fathers, janitors, or any jobs. Whether it be that we are rich or poor. All it matters is that we all have skeletons and we have blood running through our veins. If you took the moment to look at the photos underneath our skin color and our layers of skins, we ALL have same build of skeletons and same heart pumping blood through veins.

Come on! We need to move past this whole propaganda of BLM and get along! There are black cops killing citizens, whether it be accident or on purpose, but you don’t see us making a movement on WLM (White Lives Matter).
Can we please, for the love of God, move on and start looking at the same common goal which is to love one other and to get along? We live in a beautiful country with strong diversity! That is what I love about United States is our diversity!

Thank you for taking the time to listen! Have a wonderful day!

Suicide: Is it selfish?

I am certain I will make people angry with this subject. It is, however, just my opinion. How I feel about this. You have your own opinion, which I would respect, just as I would hope you would respect mine.

When I was younger, I have thought about suicide all the time. I always felt out of step with my family. Why? Well, it’s simple really. I’m deaf and my family isn’t. I never felt like I was in sync with anyone. Whenever I see someone laughing or crying or even angry, I would ask what is wrong. They would tell me it’s nothing or not important. Always made me felt like I wasn’t included. I am sure they never meant to make me feel this way, but it’s there. I’m a mom and my children aren’t deaf. I love being a mom, but I always tried my best to include them in anything even when I am in the presence of deaf people. There are times where my son would ask me what is going on, I would explain to him or use my voice while signing so he doesn’t feel like he’s left out.
Do I still have suicide thoughts? Hmm, no, not all. Not since I became a mother. Why? I can’t imagine doing it and then leaving my children with no mother in their lives. That is selfish in my opinion. How can you leave your children behind? Children are the best gifts we can ask for. Yes, they can drive us nuts! They also love us unconditionally. How can we abandon them in suicide? If anything, I bet you that if a parent did suicide, their child would feel abandoned and feel that their parent didn’t love them enough. Suicide is such a taboo subject! How can we prevent suicide? How can we cure depression? How can we help those who are depressed? How can we help those who suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder)? How can we help those who have mental health issues? LOVE, PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING…. just to start with. I know we all feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. We all are worthy of someone. It could be your lover, spouse, relative, best friend, but our children always loves us for who we are.
We are loved, wanted and worthy to our children. ALWAYS. They ask nothing in return but our love and our fight for our struggle. Whenever I begin to feel like I am unworthy or unwanted or even, unloved, all I have to do is look at my children or their pictures (if they aren’t home), they bring a smile to my face and I say to myself, “You have a reason to be alive.” Yup, they are the reason why I am alive. I struggle every single day, but I would rather struggle than abandon them. I understand that some people truly feel like they can’t get out of the ‘water’ and take the easiest way out. That is all your choices and opinions. For myself, I made the choice to struggle and fight every single day than give in to the suicide. FOR MY CHILDREN. My love for them trumps that every day.

Thank you for reading this and taking the time to read it. Much love and peace to everyone!