Last night, I was chilling with my friends.  Just chatting, drinking, having fun and hanging out.  My right eye has been bothering me all day yesterday.  Literally felt like it was burning and swollen.  Anyways, moving on.

To be honest, my emotion has been all over the place last night.  I have been repressing some feelings and stress.  Boy, I really hate it when I have a breakdown in front of people, especially my friends.  It’s just my belief that I have to be strong and that I should not show any weakness in front anyone.  Even in front of my friends who I know cares about me.  Anyways, everything just got to the point where I got upset and walked off.  I started crying.  I started feeling like shit.  Seriously.

I am currently looking for a job, trying to pay off the defaulted loans so I can go back to college, taking care of my son, paying my bills and just everything.  I guess I felt like a crappy mother and a crappy friend.

I know I wrote a blog about parents and suicide and I would never do it.  I do often feel like giving up, but I would never because of my children.  I can’t give up.  I refuse to give up.  I just don’t feel like this feeling of weakness or that I am not doing enough.  I try to provide my son with everything he could possibly need, but sometimes I feel like I can’t do enough.  I tell myself, “Noni, he has a place to live.  He has food on the table when he is hungry.  He is one healthy happy boy.  He knows I love him.”  That is the main thing I want out of my life that I want my children to know I love them and that I am trying my best.

One of my friend asked me last night, “What can I do to help you with money?  To help you relieve some stress.”  I remember thinking, this is why I don’t like venting about my problems or crying in front of people.  I don’t want them to feel responsible.  It is my responsiblity because it’s my family, my issues, my life.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to give me money or help me out.  I know they really care and worry about me.  I never ask for help.  It’s my job as a mother to provide.  Not anyone else’s job.  If it was my boyfriend/husband, it would be a different issue, I think.

Anyone ever feel like that?  What do you think?  Was I in the wrong to feel this way?


Terminator Genysis

I seen the movie last night. I thought it was cool. I’ve seen all the Terminator movies. Only thing I am stumped on about this current movie is how it’s all set up. How do I explain?

Okay. We all know about John and Sarah Connor from all other movies. However, in this movie, we come to find out about Kyle Reese. What I am stumped on is this: Kyle Reese went into the past to save Sarah Connor, only to find out that he is Sarah’s lover and John’s father. HOW?! He is from the future, Sarah is from the past and yet, he is the father to John?! That is what I am truly stumped on! Can anyone help me out here? Please? I would like it if someone could clarify it up for me.

Much appreciated! Thank you! I do give it a about 4 stars rating though, even with that confusion.

Job Search

I am currently looking for a job. I knew it would be frustrating, but I never knew how some employment makes it hard to get a job!

For example, I applied at this place of agency and I had to take this computer quiz which asked few questions. I was honest about my answers. However, I had noticed that it did not exactly ask questions relating to the job I applied for. It was mainly asking if I had done drugs, do I drink, do I drink on the job, do I do drugs on the job, have I worked in a restaurant which I have not, but I have worked in the kitchen (kind of the same I think but I put down no), am I willing to take drug test, have I worked for construction, do I know how to do carpentry (thanks to my grampa, I do), do I own any specific tools, etc. I did notice that it asked more questions about drugs than anything else. Yet, at the end of the test, it said that I am disqualified. I remember thinking, what?! How is that helping people get jobs if they are not experienced? I love to learn new things, so I am willing to learn! I am curious… has anyone had any problems with agency?

I am continuing to look for jobs, because I am not giving up.